2025 may be kind of Magnificent.

This year has started off with dog walks, broken toes, my birthday (of course), and a good bit of snow. 

It's also included visits to specialists, more tests, and more appointments.

My average 5 days a week looks like this:

Wake up: 6:00am

Wake kiddo up at 6:30am.

Homework, breakfast, morning routine: 6:30-7:50am.

School drop off, commute to forest preschool campus: 8am-8:45am

Work until 1:30-1:45pm

Commute and change: 2:00pm-2:15pm

Clients at the YMCA: 2:30pm-3:15pm

Commute and pick up from school: 3:15-3:30 pm

Commute and home time before clients: 3:30pm-4:30pm

Clients: 4:30-5:15, 5:15-6:00pm

Dinner and 1 hr of family TV time: 6pm-7:30pm

Bedtime routine: 7:30-8:30pm

and usually I'm utterly exhasuted, but shower and my bed time around 10:30pm.

This is OBVIOUSLY a lot and not sustainable long term. 

I've been incredibly lucky to have My Sailor on shore duty to pitch in with picking up the Impossible Girl from time to time and making dinners most nights - when he isn't on duty (a 24+hr shift). Despite having to be at work sometimes at 2-3am, he's doing everything he can to contribute and it's kind of amazing. 

We haven't had a date night since, I don't know, December something, but I've been able to connect with some friends and bring the Impossible Girl along for some pretty cool things.

Blodel Reserve

Hanging out in a Tree at the Magnolia Forest Preschool Polar Plunge

Checking out an epic women's hockey game...

And sleeping through the overtime and the shoot outs....

We're heading into a new season of uncertainty. I'm stepping back into a world where I am the 'anchor being' for our family group. My Sailor will go back to deployable status at the drop of a hat, and the help I've had with dinners, housework, etc while I work 2 jobs, 6 days a week (and he works full time military crazy hours). We don't have a nanny. We don't have a reliable babysitter. We don't have local family. Effectively, we are like so many other families out there who are a bit of an island.

We don't have help, and often when we do reach out, it's (completely understandably) unavailable. 

But we do have each other - and I have to say - that's an amazing gift. 

Perhaps I'm a bit extra nostalgic because in about 5 days, My Sailor and I will have been legally married for 14 years. 

And honestly, it's all been pretty good. Sure, we have our rough patches, but who doesn't? He's seen me through some pretty wild circumstances, and still continues to support me, and vice versa. 

I never really understood what people ment when they said, "The Family serves too." I assumed they meant that military moves often cause people to uproot their homes from one place to another (but where ever we are together is 'home' - it's not necessarily a specific address with walls). 

Or maybe they meant that the kids had to change schools, or the long physical separations (which are much harder with kids en tow). 

But I think I get it. 

We've both made sacrifices for this life to work.

He asked me to give up theater for a while. Theater takes up a LOT of free time. I miss it terribly, but I still support and go when I can. If I wasn't investing the time in us as a family, he's right - I'm not sure we would have worked out. 

And he's opted to stay in the military longer than he originally planned to keep The Impossible Girl covered. It wasn't his 'Plan A' for life either - but as soon as we knew there may be some medical complications, he didn't hesitate to do what he could to keep us afloat. 

We're also stepping into a world of Neurology appointments and adding a new therapy to the mix. 

This Spring, I'm also doing some self care while My Sailor will be home. He's using his leave to take care of me so I can finally breathe through my nose again - which is going to involve a month of lower income. I'm leaving one of my jobs earlier than planned to get my face fixed and support our family as we enter the '24/hrs notice of comings and goings' phase of life again. 

It's all exhausting, but there is no one I'd rather face the world with than these 2. 

An Ode to the Magic Makers

 

The Impossible Girl playing Delivery Elf

Ode to the Makers of Magic

To the Bakers of Cookies

And Hangers of Lights

To the Bells the will Carol

And Keep Spirits Bright

To the Great Stocking Fillers

And Tradition Maintainers

To the Cooks and the Drivers

And Spiritual Sustainers

To those who buy gifts

But forget their own

Because Filling Your Stocking

Would be ego overblown

But when Eyes of Loved ones

Light up with Care

And their joy and excitement

Leaks into the air

The empty stockings don't matter

Because a Gift's just a Thing

To be Lost, Aged, or Broken

As Time takes a Swing

But when All has been Gifted

And all been received,

The Makers of Magic

Find Peaceful Reprieve.    

Christmas Eve is my favorite day of the year. I get to wax nostalgic while I put one more in the books. And as a mother and military spouse, I'm chiefly in charge of working around insane schedules, I haven't had the time or energy to write about a lot of them since moving to Washington and becoming a parent. But Christmas Eve, when all the prep is done and the Christmas fun has been had, I find a deep sense of peace.  As I reflect on what I did well and what I need to work on for next year, I also look back on other Decembers. 

The One about the Paper Tree - A little backstory about my first Christmas in Washington. It's much like now, only I have made a few friends since. I'd moved to Washington from my hometown in spring, and this was my first year so far away from my family. They didn't come to visit and I couldn't go down there - and, of course, My Sailor and I started off our first year married missing every major holiday from October - January. So I got creative and found some joy. It's quite a tale!

The One That Almost Wasn't - The Impossible Girl was 2, and we were really struggling. I mean, during her first 2 years of life, we'd had foreclosure notices on the house, had the electricity and water turned off at different moments, and struggled to feed ourselves - however we still 'made too much' to qualify for aid. Lucky, our situation didn't stay that way, but a couple years were REALLY rough. This one was definitely a year where we learned about grace in a while new way.

The One in Ensenada - The December before Covid, the stars aligned, and we were able to book a Disney Cruise over the holiday leave period (we don't get that leave this year).  What I mean is, his Leave Dates aligned with a Cruise that was on a deep Military Discount, and he'd gotten a bonus that would cover it and a little more. We were a little concerned about taking a cruise for Christmas, but Disney somehow managed to make the whole thing so effortless that we all can't wait to do it again. So 3 years later, we got lucky and did it again (to a different destination).  Unfortunately, we likely won't be able to take this path again until 2027 or later, but man, was it ever fantastic!

We don't have set traditions in this house - which isn't something I expected. I've always found solace in traditions. 

But maybe, just maybe, a healthy sense of wanderlust IS a holiday tradition?

Or maybe I could just use a vacation.... 

Being a Super Model AKA The One that Comes with a Sound Track

***Click on the links you find throughout this blog for a bit of a background track - and consider buying the singles and supporting the artists. I make NO money off of this blog (as always). It's a labor of love and I'll always share things that impact my life.***

I have always hated failing and been afraid of regretting a decision. Most decisions I've made have been carefully overthought, weighed out, and measured by then "Will I regret this in a year?"  As I've gotten older and am now raising The Impossible Girl, I deeply examine the ramifications of those overthinking decisions. Chronically Cautious has made me err much more to the side of 'safe'. 

And here I am, trying to encourage The Impossible Girl to try different things - to be a 'beginner' and make mistakes. I realize I've done a terrible job of modeling that in my life. How can I possibly expect her to step out of her comfort zone if I'm so sunk deep in mine lately? How can I expect her to reach out and make connections beyond her school yard, if I'm not willing to extend myself and show her how it's done? 

We've pretty much had the same tiny circle for most of her life. 

Luckily, I have a bit of a restless spirit and a bit of wanderlust, so I plan trips and find small events to expose us both too. Since this may be our last holiday season together for a couple years, I'm doing everything I can to plan fun things to do locally (we can not travel this year to my family, and my family isn't coming to see us either, so we are working on our own holiday schedule.)  Last week, I took my kiddo (who struggles with crowds and loud noises) back to the 5th Avenue Theater for a stunning rendition of Mary Poppins. 

The closest I could get her to taking a picture with the Christmas tree at intermission.

The 5th Avenue theater offers tactile sensory experiences for folks to feel everything from wigs, to costumes and tap shoes.

We spent the night in a hotel downtown (another experience she loves) and the next day walked around the area. It was REALLY stormy, but we found a Gameworks arcade and played a bunch of new games. (Including one we loved that was COMPLETELY in Japanese.)

The hotel was doing a holiday party event - which included crafting ornaments, cards, and wreathes, while enjoying smores, snacks, and drinks. It was different, quiet, and lovely.

Yes - we do 'different' things, but they are generally all within a very 'safe' wheelhouse. We aren't really 'new' to theater (the shows just differ). We're also not new to arcade games (though we do get lots of practice losing). 

But what have I truly been a beginner at within the last decade? Not much... honestly, not anything. 

Since the art school that had an after school program at her school cancelled it, The Impossible Girl hasn't taken an interest in anything else. I really hate for her life to consist of the tiny world at her tiny school and Speech and Occupational Therapy. She needs other people in her life beyond the classroom. But how can she build those connections when she doesn't want to do anything new because "I'm not good at that." 

I mean, we are in the stage of grades and passing and failing. We have lots of discussions that mistakes happen - and we learn more from our mistakes than our successes, but do we actually live that? Do I, actually live that. 

Do I actually LIVE that? 

Or do I keep myself in a space where I'm not likely to fail because innately feel like mistakes/failures are a negative thing, rather than just a part of life?

Today, we took The Impossible Girl ice skating. We haven't been ice skating since last January, but she liked it then, despite being a true beginner at it. 

Now, for context for my newer readers - I'm from Southern California.

 Ice skating wasn't a common past time in an area of the world where Christmas trees and palm trees are interchangeable.

  When I was younger, I saw my mother have an accident on the ice, cutting open her face on the ice while ice skating. It scared me away from skating for a decade or more. Once I overcame that, I still didn't make it a regular part of my life. 

But now I'm knocking on the door of 45 years old, and it's time I allowed myself to be a beginner. 

To try something new and mess up!  Sure, the cost may feel higher now that I'm older. My body doesn't respond the same way to some mistakes (I'm currently icing my ankle and back in my walking boot...), but ya know what?

 I'd rather wear out than rust out. 

So we went ice skating today, in an effort to get our family MOVING more and sitting in front of screens less. And she LOVED it just as much as the previous time. It is noticeably difficult for her. Her OT wants her to work on leg strength and balance has always been a challenge - but she proves every day that she can do hard things. 

There is one way to build confidence in humans. Present them with a task they can't do - until they discover they can  do it, and repeat the process. It's the same for children and adults. 

This week, we also did a Parent's Night Out at Code Ninjas! We knew NO ONE there. They were very welcoming and, though she didn't make any friends, she had a good time. She did something completely new in a place that was 100% mistake friendly. We'll be exploring her interest in coding further as well.

Yes, there is truly value to trying something and knowing when to quit. There is absolutely no point in beating against a brick wall. But some brick walls were meant to be scaled. 

How do I plan to continue building on this pattern of building strength through discomfort myself? 

Currently, I'm looking into archery lessons on the weekends, doing a stair climb at Seattle Center, and embracing the uncertainty or being a 'noob' at something. 

What else can I be new at in 2025?  After all, if I can model that failure isn't fatal and growth doesn't come from comfort zones, she might just decide to take a risk and change the world someday. 

She's already changing it - just by being the mighty force she is every day. 

The Busy Season

We finally have some of our Christmas decorations up! Since we aren't traveling for the holidays this year, we decided to expand our holiday decorations and events this year. Since Thanksgiving, the Impossible Girl and I have done a local craft fair and seen the Nutcracker together. We also have tickets to Mary Poppins at the stunning 5th Avenue Theater.  

While she has no interest in taking dance classes herself, she does have interest in her friends. She wanted to be sure she was there to support her friends dancing on stage. (And it got us out of the house while My Sailor wrote a paper for school.)

As a family, we're trying to build more and more memories together to keep us afloat should My Sailor not be around for the holidays next year. So far, it's included trying out Seattle's Musuem of Illusions. 

We play at home Saturdays and Sundays, because, if I'm honest, the weeks are a blur - and it's not something I feel good about. I rest assured that it's just a season in life right now - but I also have the glaring reminder that we only get this once. 

One childhood with this marvelous kiddo.

As the next deployment season looms, I find the joy now as I gear up to take on more of the load of life myself. I wonder how my schedule will need to adjust to accommodate whatever changes to our life that it may bring. 

Typically, Monday through Friday, The Impossible Girl has school and homework. Most days start at 6am for me, having me on the road around 745am to drop the kiddo off at school and head to work in the woods. There, I work until at least 1:30 and head back into town to launch into Personal Training world. I get about 15 minutes to change and then I have at least 1 client before I go pick up The Impossible Girl from school. Sometimes My Sailor can help with that. Sometimes he can't. Then I usually have 2 more clients before dinner. Then it's hang out for 2 hours, bath and bed. We get up and do it all over again, but tack on as much homework as we can get done in the morning in the scramble to get to work as close to on time as I can.  Saturday mornings I get up early to spend some time watching cartoons and sipping hot beverages with The Impossible Girl before I go to work for another 4-6 hours. 

  Sunday we've reserved for Family Day. We aim to spend it together, though there is no guarantee that My Sailor will get it off of work. 

  The schedule is undecidedly wild currently. My Sailor basically works 6-7 days a week, including 24+ hour shifts, and I work 2 jobs 6 days a week. We do it all without the help of childcare, after school activities (aside from Occupational and Speech therapies located in a city 90 minutes away round trip). 

It's really helpful to have some special days on the calendar this month. As a family, we are attending an event at the Hyatt for the holidays, and after Christmas we have tickets to Enchant - a light display at Lumen Feild. We are working on a time to hit up ZooLights at Point Defiance Zoo and Aquarium as well. Not sure when yet... 

  The family time making memories is worth it to not travel this year. Sure, I haven't seen my family in over a year - but the airplane works both ways, so the door is always open for them to join us up here if they choose to. This year, everyone is working around the holidays.

 There is a lot in life we don't get to choose. And honestly, I am 100% sure this schedule and pace of life isn't going to be sustainable, but we are making the most of this. 

  

It's not the stuff that makes the holidays. It's the smiles and the memories that truly buoy us and keep spirits afloat for the long separations coming up.

This Isn't for the Weak - A Unique Chapter of My Journey

 There is an old saying - 

  Be Careful what you Pray for. 

For example, never pray for strength, because you'll be put in situations where you'll have to grow it. 

The answer to your prayer may not be what you think it should be - but by golly, you'll be stronger! 

Recently, life has challenged all of my ideas of what I think about myself and my limitations on every single front.

 It seems no matter how prepared I think I am, I'm in a season of a massive learning curve. 

Third grade has meant more homework - which, when you have a special kid, means more work for everyone. Working in homework has been tricky, and just when I think we've got a rhythm, some wrinkle to the schedule throws everything off. One night, it ended with me laying on the kitchen floor channeling all of my calm with The Impossible Girl laying on top of me, cried out. We breathed together and she hugged me and felt better. Which is exactly what we did when she was a baby too and I didn't know what else to do (though it usually was me joining her in crying, admittedly). 

I figured out early that I have an insight to special kids. One of my close childhood friends had a stutter and some neurological issues - and I loved him for who he was. How he spoke and his deficits never bothered me. I knew he was different, but he was just Matthew to me, and that was fine. As I grew into a teenager, I started to babysit. My longest running baby sitting gigs were with a pair of brothers who both were unmedicated ADHDers. I was their once-a-week sitter for years.  

Now, I've become a Site Director for the same Forest Preschool that helped raise my kid. There are a lot of responsibilities I didn't really expect that come along with it and I'm keeping my head above water - sometimes barely, but the kids are fantastic. The experience has taught me a lot - especially about where my boundaries lie. 

And these past 12 days have been mixing the concrete that is anchoring me. Let's do a quick inventory:

• My dog died tonight. It was a planned event, but that doesn't make it any less painful. There will never be a time when it'll feel 'right' to bid a dearly loved buddy goodbye. Odin came to us when he was about 2 years old. He was a Great Pyrenees (who came with his own massive learning curve). He's been with us for about 13.5 years. There is a strange quiet about the house without him. He suffered from hip dysplasia for the last 2 years (which we were able to treat to keep him comfortable) and a tumor in his jaw which- when it did decide to spread, was a massive problem. When we could tell it was getting into his throat and we were no longer able to keep him comfortable, we let him go. This is the 2nd dog I've said goodbye to in 2 years. We are now a 1 dog family at the moment. Let's hope we don't have to say goodbye for a long time to come.
  While we'll miss him dearly, it also means we can see fireworks locally for the first time in The Impossible Girl's lifetime - if we want to - without coming home to a torn up house and a bleeding dog. 
• 
• The water heater went. First, it was leaking a little. We called a plumber to come replace it. They were about a week out. No big deal, we could catch the leak. Well... we COULD ... until it started leaking from all sides and basically threatened to explode. (Did I mention the water heater is in The Impossible Girl's closet?) We were without hot water for 1 day while they came in and replaced it. (Friends stepped in to offer us friendly hot showers and My Sailor was on a 24+ hour shift, so he caught a hot shower on base.) 
• 
  
  
  
  

• Nearly had an electrical fire in the kitchen on the same day I discovered the water heater leaking. We don't have functional outlets currently in the kitchen as a result- at least we haven't for about 2 weeks. Hopefully the electrician scheduled for this weekend can fix it quickly.

• The microwave almost started a fire as well. (New microwave has come in.)

• The toaster also stopped popping up, causing me to burn something so bad that I nearly started a fire. (New toaster has now also come in.)

• The Impossible Girl is now officially under seizure watch, thanks to her amazingly quick thinking OT and Pediatrician. We got an urgent referral to a pediatric neurologist... and are currently scheduled for the next available appointment - at a location 3 hours away round trip and in February. We are on the cancelation list and hopeful for answers sooner. In the meantime, we rely on super observant teachers and our own power of observation to help figure this out.

• My Sailor also officially got orders. The good news is - we're staying where we live now (though I would have been down for an adventure on the Navy's dime - we are the kind of Navy that doesn't move ever apparently.) The bad news is - well, it's deployment life again. And I suddenly realize I've taken a job that isn't terribly flexible during a time when I'm going to need a lot of flexibility. Oops. 

No matter the obstacles - solutions have been right around the corner (though the solution to the grief of losing our fluffy friend will just take TLC and time). While it's a hard season to be in, I'm learning a lot. With y 45th birthday around the corner, I am surprised to discover I have more of a growth mindset than I had in my 20's. 

Life has me thinking a lot and realizing how important is it to make space for peace in the chaos. 

Last night, I was updating The Impossible Girl's calendar for the month, and she got upset that her friend has a birthday party on a weekend. Why? Because she wants to spend the weekend with us - her family. She doesn't want anyone to infringe on that time. Maybe I need a page from her book...

Disney World, October 2024

Just Before Leaving the Seattle airport

These are the most important things. 

Money, jobs, water heaters, houses... they are all replaceable. 

But the time we have together isn't. 

So let's make every second count.

Our last family trip was fun, but also incredibly stressful, plagued by injury, illness, and cut short by an impending hurricane.

We still feel like we need a break.

Maybe it's time to put more family time on the calendar.

Late Night Ramblings

 This morning Odin didn't want to get up. And to be honest, neither did I. A few more hours of sleep would have been amazing, but here I am, at 11pm, finishing up a Lego set that has been half finished on the table for weeks. I've been working hard to minimize the clutter around the house - which is easier said than done. 

We are the kind of family that chooses quality time together over a perfectly kept house. Even if we had better storage solutions, I can certainly say that we'd still have last week's art projects on the door, odds and ends on the kitchen table, and a pile of laundry to fold on the couch. It's just part of the dynamic of our lives. It's lived in, but also always ready with a pot of warm water and a cup of tea. There are always multiple pairs of boots by the door. It's not perfect, and yet, everyone survives in this 1600 sq feet of home.

Getting the Lego set finished that the Impossible Girl started will at least finish one thing in the never ending projects around here. 

And that's okay.

Staying up beyond my family's bedtime is definately a bit of 'revenge insomnia'. (Revenge insomnia is when you stay up late to take revenge on a day when you had little control over how you spent your time due to outside circumstances.) And with all the transitions of the last month, there is a lot to take revenege on.

The Impossible Girl started on her IEP with the local public school. So now she misses recess with her friends and bounces between the private school we love and the public school that has the special ed resources. It's a lot of milage on everyone and though she puts on a smile and a brave face, she misses the woods and her friends at school.  School is almost over this year, My Sailor wants to pull her out of the IEP (since we've been seeing signs of stress (headaches, night time accidents, bad dreams) but we're trying to give it some time and let her get caught up - with a plan for next year that includes some extra tutoring outside the schools instead. 

Which brings to mind - do dyslexic folks really ever 'catch up'? Or do we just develop work arounds that become part of our daily lives? With technology taking over the bulk of work and communications these days, there are tools are our finger tips to make life easier, so I'm certain she'll have a better time at it outside of the academic world. Just gotta get through school first. 

So often it feels strange, this parenting journey.  For example, I took her to a movie in the theater this weekend (IF - a fun flick). We sat down in the theater and pulled up throw blankets we brought from home. She brought a stuffed animal buddy with her. She reminded me to get her headphones out of the car, so we brought those. When the lights went down, she asked for them to put them on. Other folks at the theater looked at us. But I love that she didn't mind one bit. She's a different kid. People may notice. And that's okay too. I'm doing my best to set the example of, "use the tools you need , and everyone else who seems to care about it can kick rocks." And ya know what? I think it's working. 

A Caregiver's Journal

 

I have a pretty good life. 

I have a roof over my head and I know where my next meal is coming from. 

My daughter is an awesome little person that I enjoy, and glancing over at my husband of over a decade still gives me butterflies. No matter all the physical changes, age, deployments, and crazy schedules, My Sailor is an awesome partner. 

 I have a small circle of friends that at times I wish was larger - but I have people I can call when the world comes crashing down. 

I have a job I love, and the ability to pursue things deepen my spirit and challenge me to make me better. 

And maybe the sunshine is bringing out some gratitude. 

I do struggle with how much to share, but I've always been honest, so I'm going to continue to shoot from the hip. 

This year, we're able to get The Impossible Girl the supports to help her in school and life in general. I understand the struggle of so many parents - and I can say that when things are the most challenging, I tend to run silent (as I suspect many parents managing the same things do). We don't want to be viewed as 'whinning' or 'permissive'. We want to be seen as doing the best we can to teach our kids to cope in a world that isn't designed for them. 

Last week in a counseling session, my therapists and I discussed my adoption and I mentioned "I won the parent lottery." No parent is perfect, but I feel like mine did a good job of setting a good example and teaching me to see things and think critically. Some things they did with us I repeat, and some things I adapt and change. As the conversation continued during that session, it inevitably turned into parenting. Parenting takes up 95% of my mental space basically - so yeah, I'm gonna talk about it.

As I explained the things I learned from the years of  Magnolia Forest Preschool and such, my therapist almost made me cry. She said, "It sounds like your daughter won the parent lottery."

It shocked me to my core when she said that.

I was not one of those kids who aspired to "having 2.5 kids and a white picket fence". In fact, when people asked me what I wanted to be when I was younger, I knew I'd take the road less traveled. I said things like artist, singer, songwriter, poet, actor, etc. Mom and wife were things on the side of all of that - not really the focus. Not the 'dream' of my childhood.

Now, my days start the night before.

When I write out my daughter's 'plan' for the next day on a white board and go over it with her.

Then we set the alarm (it's earlier during the weekends so she can get some time with me before I head off to work on Saturday mornings).

The next day, it's into the morning and school routine - which doesn't include screens. We fight morning/go to school anxiety with music and connection and movement. 

Once at school, I read with her for a few minutes in the classroom so she will be able to start the day. Big hugs and I'm off to work.

I work with my clients (and insert a workout for myself along the way) and I'm back at pick up time. Depending on the day, evening may include a trip to the library before dinner and unwinding before bath and bed. 

Morning routine takes about an hour and a half. Evening routine takes about 1.5-2 hours. 

I've learned to pick my battles and patience is the heart of empathy. I've learned just how much tone matters when speaking. I've learned to slow down - a hike is only as good as the things you discover along the way. I've learned that flexibility is harder for some than others. I've learned that compassion is never inappropriate. I've learned that feeling understood allows us to be our authentic selves. I've learned to talk less. 

I am slowly learning how to not get lost in the process. 

I think this is something most caregivers can relate to. Where are 'you' in the 'we's? 

Since becoming a military spouse, I gave up acting/singing publicly. I did Into the Woods at a local theater when I moved up to Washington - and it was awesome - but My Sailor I was also asked to stop doing theater as it was taking too much time away from the short hours together.

If anyone else had asked for any other reason, I would have told them where they could shove it. But the request was sincere, and he rarely asks anything of me. So it was a decision I made to put it on hold - for now. For now has been about 10 years. 

 I figured it would be something I pick back up when he deployed again, but then I had a kiddo who relies on me as her anchor more than most. Babysitters that work are few and far between - and expensive. 

Rehearsals are typically in the evenings and on weekends. The Impossible Girl doesn't have the bandwidth for much after coping with school all day, so involving her in another activity or finding a regular playdate is overwhelming. My Sailor is a great partner, but his schedule is deeply unpredictable - most days I don't know what time he's going into work until the day before, and I don't know when he's getting home.  (You know, needs of the Navy and all.)

 The fact is doing a show is out of the question - for the forseeable future. 

So I switched from participant to patron (when I can). I look forward to every show. For my birthday this year, I signed up for a National Theater At Home subscription. I've enjoyed sneaking a play or 2 in a month that way.

Theater and performing was such a huge part of my life. What now? I threw myself into parenting and being a military spouse and support to my clients. But where did I go?

Where was the 'me' in all of this? 

It's taken years but finding my way back to things that light the creative fires is an inspiring process. Getting lost in the day to day constant need can be is overwhelming. 

I'm also finding new things as the circumstances of my life have changed so much. Connecting with nature, creating space, accepting life is messy, and finding some thrill in the mess is making this back end of life its own brand of awesome as well.